Manliness
by Dragon Silhouette
Summary: The Axis and Allies get together and discuss who is the manliest. Hints of crack. Inspired by Terry Crew's Old Spice commercials 'cause they're so damn funny!


**Disclaimer: Axis Powers Hetalia is not mine.**

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**Manliness**

* * *

America dumped about fifty hamburgers on the coffee table. "Thanks for coming, guys! I was getting really bored, and Mexico's been more annoying lately."

England wrinkled his nose at the pile of food. "America, at least use plates."

"Whatever." He stuffed his mouth with two burgers. Everyone was amazed (they shouldn't be, though).

"L'Amérique," France sighed, "is there a reason why you gathered us here?"

"I told you, I'm bored!" he said. It was a miracle he was able to get that much out. He had stuffed another two into his mouth.

"Ve~ I want pasta," Italy whined.

The American swallowed. "Sorry. Forgot to buy pasta yesterday."

Italy cried and clung to Germany, who had a stoic expression on his face. "It's the end of the world, ve~"

America grinned and ate three burgers at the same time. "Wrr y'grrs wmm mnnly trddy?"

"America-san," Japan stated, "I cannot understand."

"I think he asked which of us is the manliest, da," Russia offered.

"What?" America gulped down his food. "No! I asked what you want to do today." He turned to Russia. "FYI, I'm the manliest."

"Text-speak," England said in disgust. "Speak English, git."

"It's American!"

"And just so you know, as the gentleman, I am the manliest."

France laughed. "Ohonhonhon, l'Angleterre! How amusing!"

The Englishman turned to him. "Are you implying something, frog?"

"Oui. You are far from manly, mon ami. Even if you were a pirate, I am more manly that you." He winked, totally ignoring England's disbelieving look. "After all, the man with the most l'amour is the man with the most –"

"Shut it, France," America yelped, banging on the table. With his strength, it almost split in two. "We want to keep this PG!"

France giggled.

"In what universe are you manly?!" England yelled. "Next to Poland, you were voted the most likely to wear a dress!"

"Drags are manly~"

"Please be quiet, aru," China sighed. "You're going to give me nightmares, aru. And, as the oldest, I have more experience than any of you; therefore, I am the manliest, since I have most likely been exposed to more manly things than all of you combined, aru."

America burst out laughing. "Manly, my ass! No offence, dude, but when I first saw you, I thought you were a girl!"

China spluttered and thumped his fist onto the table (poor table). "_I do not look like a girl, aru!"_

"You do, ve~" It seemed Italy had recovered from his horror. "Especially with the ponytail."

The Asian harrumphed and glared at the wall.

Japan cleared his throat. "If I may, I think I am the manliest. The samurai and ninja came from me, and my best video games are mostly designed with boys in mind . . ."

"Nah," said America. "You guys wear dresses. No way those are manly."

"Those are kimonos . . ."

"Ve~ I am the manliest," Italy sang cheerfully.

"Hell no," America and Germany said at the same time. Italy deflated.

Russia smiled. "I am the manliest, da. Only the manliest can drink vodka like I do, da~"

America snorted. "Commie, what kind of man dreams of living in a place surrounded by sunflowers?"

"The manliest, da."

"No. Flowers and manly don't go together. Besides, what kind of manly man is scared of his own _sister?_" America sighed and shook his head. "Here's the verdict: France and Italy are obviously not manly –"

"Quoi?"

"Che cosa?"

" –England hallucinates about fairies and unicorns, so not him either –"

"They're real, wanker!"

" –China looks too much like a girl –"

"_I do not, aru!"_

" – Japan's people wear dresses –"

"Those are kimonos, America-san."

" –and Russia's scared of his sister. And he's a Commie."

"Kolkolkol . . ." The Russian emitted a dark aura, making the table shake in terror (yes, it can shake, Russia was _that_ scary).

"Therefore, there is only one obvious answer to this conundrum!" America announced.

"Define 'conundrum,'" England challenged.

". . . Shut up. Anyway! Obviously, the manliest person here is _me!_" He grinned widely, nearly blinding everyone in the room. "I am the _hero!_" He jumped on the table and struck a hero pose. The poor, abused table creaked under the weight.

They all started arguing amongst themselves. Meaning: England and France were throwing insults at each other; China was scolding Japan for leaving him to become his own Nation; America and Russia were having a mini Cold War; and Italy was whining to Germany about the lack of pasta.

"ENOUGH!" Germany slammed his hand on the coffee table. It finally gave under the strain and crashed onto the floor. "This discussion is pointless. America, if I am not needed, then I will now take my leave." He stood up. "Besides, I am the manliest." He glared, his broad muscled shoulders bulging, daring them to contradict him.

And they did.

Germany rubbed his throbbing head as the rest burst into a gaggle of yelling voices.

And then _she_ came in.

Hungary burst in and kicked all their asses aside. She glared at America. "_Where. Is. It?"_

America groaned and rubbed his bottom. "What?"

"My pan. Where. Is. It?"

"I don't have it."

Hungary stomped to one of his drawers and opened the top one. She pulled out an iron frying pan. "You were saying?"

America gulped. "How did that get there?"

* * *

_Drunk Prussia held up the frying pan. "I . . . I need you to hide this."_

_America grinned. "Anything for a fellow awesome Nation!"_

* * *

Hungary looked at him fiercely and promptly banged his head with her pan. She scowled at the rest of the Axis and Allies. "And I heard what you were talking about. If any of you want to take my 'Manliest of all the Nations' title, I suggest you take it up to me." She stomped out, obviously still pissed off.

The Axis and Allies looked at each other and silently vowed to never speak of this again.

Their egos had just taken a huge blow.

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**Anyway . . . this was randomly written in a subway station (so it's not up to my usual standars D:). I looked out the window and heard the two guys behind me watching one of those hilarious commercials for Old Spice (the one that has Terry Crews in it) and it hit me: Who's the manliest character in Hetalia? (Because, as we all know, Hetalia is as straight as a circle.) I did some research, and even Hidekazu Himaruya said Hungary was the manliest character in the series (hell, originally, she was supposed to be a guy!).**


End file.
